My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
