Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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