Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
