Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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