I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
