I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
