i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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