If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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