on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
