At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
