its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
