I can text with my tongue
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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