I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
