Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
