I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
