just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
