but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
