dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
