I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
