I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize