Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
