do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
