checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
