New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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