I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
