I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
