The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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