Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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