I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
