i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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