remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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