Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
