he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
