I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
