I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
