I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
