just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
