Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
