Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
