apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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