my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
