Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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