he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
