She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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