i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
