I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
