i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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