Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
