I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
