I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
