I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
