I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize