Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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