i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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