Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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