I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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