connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
