More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize