I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
