You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just tell him i said nine months
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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