im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
