New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize