I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
