3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
