what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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