my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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