I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
