Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
