we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
