So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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