Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
