I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize