drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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